self-compassion is a power move

let us show you how to make it

There are many power moves one can make in a life.

We can stop seeking refuge in people determined to misunderstand us.

We can decide not to try and heal in an environment that made us sick.

We can choose to leave a job behind and build a life-affirming exit.

We can embrace our mistakes with an open heart instead of a judging mind.

I have made all of these power moves and, when necessary, I’ll make them again. And I want to share with you a meta-move that underlies all others—the move to rule them all, if you will. It’s one that is subtle and profound: It is the move of conscious compassion for all parts of myself.

We live in a world dominated by yang energy¹ and the idea of being kind to ourselves is rampantly misconstrued, so let me clear your mental shelf this instant. I know objects are beginning to rattle.

An act of compassion toward oneself is not a delicate act. Self-compassion is not self-indulgent or weak; it won’t make you lazy, wimpy, or selfish, and it involves zero fragility.

On the contrary, self-compassion is challenging, courageous, radical and defiant. It tosses the tables in the temple and flies in the face of all we’re taught. To exude compassion toward oneself means to discard requirements to be “above average” or “special” and drop the idea of “winners and losers” in some cardboard game of life. Games of comparison are fundamentally rotten since they link self-worth to superficial, transient attainments. When we invariably fall short—since there will always be someone “better” than us—it awakens the ‘shoulds,’ the ‘oughts,’ the inner critics, taking us down a road that ends at the same cliff: anxiety, striving, conflict, and disconnection.

Explore the work of compassion researchers Dr. Kristen Neff and Dr. Tania Singer. No need to take my word for it.

I know you can share examples of people who’ve harangued themselves into achievement, and to those examples I would respond with one simple inquiry: Describe the quality and intimacy of their relationships over time. Gradually, eventually, self-punishment will takes its pound of flesh. To weirdly quote Jeff Goldblum, “You can shove the stray dogs in the basement for a while but one day they’ll get out, and there goes the neighborhood.”

Real self-compassion takes grit and guts.

This is partly why few of us have learned to practice. But to embrace a strategy of self-compassion in lieu of self-criticism is to inject ourselves with a super-serum, one that’s proven to enhance well-being, strengthen personal power, expand spaces of possibility,² and encourage proactive behavior.³

The outcomes of self-compassion are diverse and distinct. Results may look like:

• Walking away from a seductive offer, because you know the undocumented price you’ll pay will far exceed the salary

• Turning purposefully toward adventure, trusting uncertainty will bring transformation and you can handle the lessons

• Drawing a gentle but firm line in the sand. You may cross when you learn to include my interests, too.

• Meeting "failure" with curiosity and interest instead of waging a tiresome inner war

All of these actions are power moves fueled by an inner elixir—the choice to gaze upon our complex selves with curiosity, kindness, and respect. In the light of self-compassion, all of the things we aspire to be and do are still right here, still available. Nothing is missing or lost. The aim is to reach for those aspirations from the harbor of a friendly mind. This is a space to uplift your energy without corroding personal power. Ask yourself and answer honestly: What do you have to lose?

To inner friendship,
Sun

1. Yang energy is a force reflected in the philosophy of Daoism. It involves drive, action, productivity, extroversion, achievement, and rationality. To live a more integrated and balanced life, yang energy is united with yin.

2. Find Dr. Beau Lotto discussing the space of possibility at the 4 minute 51 second mark.

3. To understand this more deeply, dive into the research of Dr. Kristen Neff and Dr. Tania Singer.