to build a fire

what is left to do

My beautiful sister was killed almost one month ago today. There is no sense-making, creative problem-solving, no perceptual reframing, no amount of wailing that will change that. I believe most people confronted with violent and unjust loss will grapple, often mightily, with the pitilessness of it. For so many on this earthly plane, there is no protection. No advocate. No hero. No net to catch you just in time. Sometimes, no one is even there to see what happened.

What is left if we know not to spiral into the abyss, if we know to refuse every invitation to spark spiritual landmines that come alongside extreme pain? There is a host of unwholesome options. There is rage, self-flagellation, an obsession with undoing and redoing. There is resistance to what is, the lure of magical thinking, self-pity, villainization, fever dreams of revenge. There is cursing your fate, nurturing blame, attaching to hatred. There is screaming, fighting, or numbing. But all of this takes us deeper into shadow. So how to walk when we refuse each of these things, when we reject any version of conscious harm toward self and all relations, and when even a most optimal delivery of bureaucratic “justice” would not begin to soften the blow?

I sift daily through this inquiry. Mercifully, my sister speaks to me across the veil. She transmits wisdom in no uncertain terms.

The Souls of Millions of Light Years Away, 2013 / Yayoi Kusama

Life’s greatest antidote to endarkenment is love, she says. And love is not a word, an idea, or a concept. It does not even require overt action. Love is a choice. It is a choice we make over and over. It is an energy we cradle deep in our hearts, no matter what forces may come for it. Love is a choice you must make more fiercely when faced with compassionless darkness. Remember, remember: That love encompasses and includes you.

Looking back at our brutal, shared passage as the sister who survived it, my sister knows that returning to love post-shattering is a most difficult choice. To love a predator who exploited and extinguished someone precious. To love myself though my efforts failed and my sibling slipped through my hands. To love the tides of endarkenment that made it all possible—greed, hate, and delusion—and to love a world that blithely and relentlessly includes them.

Today, my sister sent me another message. She reminded me of vows I took many years ago, not realizing how challenging they would become. Build a fire, she whispered, this is also left to do. She motions to our helping spirits, halls of beings with supreme benevolence and wisdom. You see, dear sister? You see? We’ll do it together. Then she hands me a flame.

I thank Christy for teaching me to love deeper and wider, one moment at a time. I thank her for saving light for me.

Sun