I just read this today, after having a shitty last week.
Maybe it was the full moon, but I did pretty shitty at almost everything. As a dad, was tired and unavailable emotionally to my little girls temper tantrums. As a husband, wasn't much loving. I could barely utter any words, the only thing I wanted to do is to sleep (which I did, using my 1yo naps) and just stay in bed.
My energy was truly drained out, with the subsequent cost of having my wife to do the heavy lifting. I was overwhelmed with emotions, and being fair, my life is pretty hectic these days. Working, taking care of two little girls, my wife studying a PhD, making ends meet...
So it's tough for me to cross out just one. Overwhelmed? Yes, definitely. Inner critic? Definitely, I felt like shit and I couldn't say much than "sorry" (and I couldn't even say that). Unpleasant emotions? Yes, and despite I can recognize some, it's tough to get out of them when the field of emotions just want to kick your ass. As Jim Carrey says, depression is your body saying "fuck you". It truly said that.
Anyway, sorry for the flurry and verbal diarrhea. Hope some of this makes sense. I know you know me and see me. And thanks for having a space for just being shit, in our own particular ways. If I figure out how to integrate this, I'm sure I will come out a more creative, better man. But for the mo, I feel pretty shitty.
Antonio, I'm glad for us to be in the shit together. Re: the moon - there do seem to be supersensors among us...that Sturgeon moon made me feel all kinds of topsy-turvy last week (or at least it felt like a non-negligible variable). I know you're carrying and juggling many things so being compassionate to ourselves - ESPECIALLY when we stumble - is a practical matter. It makes things energetically worse when we shoot what some Zen students call 'the second arrow.' The first arrow is the misstep...the second arrow is the shot at ourselves for making it. You're a sensitive, vulnerable, brilliant, loving man and you keep showing up for the hard stuff. That's more than I can say for a hell of a lot of people. Sending you a huge hug on this day. Depression = DEEP REST.
What stood out the most to me in this post was this: "...blithely waving a flag for one of the most incorrect and dangerous ideas pervading our world today - the idea that people can numb, ignore or suppress pain without paying a price, a heavy one that’s predictably thrust onto the backs of others, as well as ourselves." I have recently ended my 15 year relationship because I was no longer willing to pay this price Sunni. Feeling, being with emotion and our own process of healing, or dealing, or processing...etc. is one of life's most enriched opportunities for the generative soul. Thank you for your humor, candor, and raw yet elegant way of drawing us into that richness.
Lyn, that is a big change and I didn't realize it might be on the horizon. I know that relationship has been special to you and it sounds like it's also been challenging. Thank you for letting me know this is happening so I can reach out to care for you in other ways. It is always so painful when our partners can't or won't meet us in practicing growth, for reasons that are usually complex. But you are totally right on: descending into the wound is where the regenerative power lies. Damn. I'm sorry to hear this. Sending you both all manner of love.
Thank you. You said what you've expressed with great compassion and wisdom. The reasons are complex. Sometimes courage must defy logic and pain must follow big brave moves. However, in the end this is working out incredibly well. The collage we made when at your retreat held at Margaret's home has given me guidance still and a vision into the future. Someday we'll have to discuss. It has been like an oracle with guidance.
I can't believe you still have that collage and are using it. Wow!
I hear you on courage and decisions sometimes being beyond logic. You know better than most that "logic" lives in many parts of our minds and bodies and has a knowing all its own. Wisdom beyond wisdom. It does make me feel heartened that you're seeing it's working out and will continue to get better. Life. It never stops shaping us. I'll be so glad when we do talk.
What I've found is that collages usually give me indicators that are 10 years ahead of their time. My TedX talk, publishing the SoulSalt book, now this...all about 10 years prior starting signalling to me of their future presence. You let me know when, we can schedule a quick call anytime.
I just read this today, after having a shitty last week.
Maybe it was the full moon, but I did pretty shitty at almost everything. As a dad, was tired and unavailable emotionally to my little girls temper tantrums. As a husband, wasn't much loving. I could barely utter any words, the only thing I wanted to do is to sleep (which I did, using my 1yo naps) and just stay in bed.
My energy was truly drained out, with the subsequent cost of having my wife to do the heavy lifting. I was overwhelmed with emotions, and being fair, my life is pretty hectic these days. Working, taking care of two little girls, my wife studying a PhD, making ends meet...
So it's tough for me to cross out just one. Overwhelmed? Yes, definitely. Inner critic? Definitely, I felt like shit and I couldn't say much than "sorry" (and I couldn't even say that). Unpleasant emotions? Yes, and despite I can recognize some, it's tough to get out of them when the field of emotions just want to kick your ass. As Jim Carrey says, depression is your body saying "fuck you". It truly said that.
Anyway, sorry for the flurry and verbal diarrhea. Hope some of this makes sense. I know you know me and see me. And thanks for having a space for just being shit, in our own particular ways. If I figure out how to integrate this, I'm sure I will come out a more creative, better man. But for the mo, I feel pretty shitty.
Antonio, I'm glad for us to be in the shit together. Re: the moon - there do seem to be supersensors among us...that Sturgeon moon made me feel all kinds of topsy-turvy last week (or at least it felt like a non-negligible variable). I know you're carrying and juggling many things so being compassionate to ourselves - ESPECIALLY when we stumble - is a practical matter. It makes things energetically worse when we shoot what some Zen students call 'the second arrow.' The first arrow is the misstep...the second arrow is the shot at ourselves for making it. You're a sensitive, vulnerable, brilliant, loving man and you keep showing up for the hard stuff. That's more than I can say for a hell of a lot of people. Sending you a huge hug on this day. Depression = DEEP REST.
Wonderful writing Sunni. Thanks for looping me in.
Thank you for reading, David. So nice to hear from you!
What stood out the most to me in this post was this: "...blithely waving a flag for one of the most incorrect and dangerous ideas pervading our world today - the idea that people can numb, ignore or suppress pain without paying a price, a heavy one that’s predictably thrust onto the backs of others, as well as ourselves." I have recently ended my 15 year relationship because I was no longer willing to pay this price Sunni. Feeling, being with emotion and our own process of healing, or dealing, or processing...etc. is one of life's most enriched opportunities for the generative soul. Thank you for your humor, candor, and raw yet elegant way of drawing us into that richness.
Lyn, that is a big change and I didn't realize it might be on the horizon. I know that relationship has been special to you and it sounds like it's also been challenging. Thank you for letting me know this is happening so I can reach out to care for you in other ways. It is always so painful when our partners can't or won't meet us in practicing growth, for reasons that are usually complex. But you are totally right on: descending into the wound is where the regenerative power lies. Damn. I'm sorry to hear this. Sending you both all manner of love.
Thank you. You said what you've expressed with great compassion and wisdom. The reasons are complex. Sometimes courage must defy logic and pain must follow big brave moves. However, in the end this is working out incredibly well. The collage we made when at your retreat held at Margaret's home has given me guidance still and a vision into the future. Someday we'll have to discuss. It has been like an oracle with guidance.
I can't believe you still have that collage and are using it. Wow!
I hear you on courage and decisions sometimes being beyond logic. You know better than most that "logic" lives in many parts of our minds and bodies and has a knowing all its own. Wisdom beyond wisdom. It does make me feel heartened that you're seeing it's working out and will continue to get better. Life. It never stops shaping us. I'll be so glad when we do talk.
What I've found is that collages usually give me indicators that are 10 years ahead of their time. My TedX talk, publishing the SoulSalt book, now this...all about 10 years prior starting signalling to me of their future presence. You let me know when, we can schedule a quick call anytime.
Whoa. That makes sense for a lot of reasons but your subconscious may have more oomph than your average bear.